Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Happy EOFY 2014-15 - a very unserious report


Year in Review Emily Ross Bespoke No Images? Click here
 
   
 
 
 

Let's totes go beast mode,
open the kimono and
boil the ocean together

 

Oh the things I do for love, love, love...

Dear Clients, friends, weak ties, influentials, randoms and members of the loveliest database I know, enjoy a few moments of mindful mindlessness and contemplate the strangeness, wonder and marvels of modern life.

I can't promise there won't be at least one rainbow moment and I am also likely to indulge in some preclapulation* now, fantasise about a Cinderfella and want to get a deeper understanding of how hipsters and Pitbull influence the global economy.
My only wish is that you laugh out loud just once. Welcome to another highly unproductive, time wastin' End of Financial Year Report. It is time once again to abandon all sense; learn about almond shaming and why you should be saying "mad props". I want to jazz around our crazy relationships with technology, continue my obsession with the cult of selfies and do some over sharing with you.
To take it to the next level, grab some bone broth, tiger nuts and break open a fresh slab of Cadbury's limited edition Vegemite chocolate (tastes like a salty milkshake only saltier) and read on.
* see my buzzword section. IMAGES: BBC; HUFFINGTON POST

As we celebrate this month's announcements that you can load GIFs on your Facebook account. . .

I've rounded up a few braingasmic GIFs to enjoy as you slog out the EOFY. I have to say I am rather partial to a GIF... whether or not you think New York magazines 'Astrology with GIFs' weekly column is going too far is another matter.

almond shaming

Almond shaming is the latest way for those concerned about the extreme drought in California to point fingers at one of the largest consumers of water in that state.  That four litres of water to produce one almond is why the almond industry –  and anyone seen with an Almond Joy bar – is on mock-trial.

boil the ocean

To waste time. The thinking here is that boiling the ocean would take a long time. It would also take a long time to fly to Jupiter, but we don't say that. Nor should we boil oceans.

chirk

To be or become cheerful

Cinderfella

A man who must be home by midnight for any one of a variety of reasons or he will face serious consequences

Facebook machine

A computer primarily designed to browse sites like Facebook instead of doing proper work on. e.g. "The new Macbook is a $1000 Facebook Machine."

flat white economy

The dense network of digital marketing, computer programming, software publishing and video post-production dudes/dudettes

food monitor

A person who critiques everyone's food choices at the table

Google university

A social media phenomenon where a commenter attempts to demonstrate knowledge obtained by searching on Google. This person has no legitimate degree from an accredited institution in said subject/topic, but will use unverified and inaccurate sources from websites searched on the search engine to prove their point on the topic being discussed. After reading a ridiculous comment from someone that posted a link: "Oh look, someone got their degree from Google University".
SOURCES: cbc; forbes, Uurban dictionary; internet slang; talkliketheboss

As at June 29, 2015 there were 290,626,367 #selfies on Instagram and that doesn't include all the ones from Instagrammers who are clueless about hashtagging. There were only 1,097,740 #selfiestick but wait until Christmas peeps.

The alleged first selfie was taken in 1839 by Robert Cornelius.

The “looking-glass self” is a psychological concept that says that how we see ourselves doesn’t come from
who we really are, but rather from how we think
others see us.

SOURCE: Courtney Seiter, The Psychology of Selfies
 
 
 
 

Potty time selfie

Diddy selfie

 
 
IMAGES: buzzfeed/CNN/

Literal beach bum selfie

Auschwitz selfie

 
 

Pretending to be asleep while holding a selfie stick

Me and His Holiness selfie

 
 
 
No place for a selfie!
The backdrop (right) very clearly features ambulances, police vehicles, and, all the way in the back, a raging fire. The gals were out in Manhattan's East Village on March 28, 2015 and wanted a selfie at the scene of a massive explosion which killed two people and injured 25 more, demolished three buildings and left dozens of people homeless.
 
 
 
 

hashtalk

When you say a hashtag phrase out loud, e.g. "hashtag like"

jackintosh

A computer used exclusively for porn

Instagram prime time

The time of day during which Instagram will be the most active; for example the Instagram feed will be quickly updated and Instagram pictures will receive more instantaneous likes.
(Ahem try @emilyrossbespoke for Instafun)

mantrum

A tantrum thrown by a man

mad props

Many ("mad") compliments ("props").

nexterday

The day after tomorrow. e.g. I have to go to a meeting nexterday

open the kimono

“Some people use this instead of ‘revealing information.’ It’s kind of creepy,” says Bruce Barry, professor of management at Vanderbilt’s Owen Graduate School of Business. Just keep your kimono fastened.

preclapulation

Clapping before you even know what you are clapping for.
SOURCES: urban dictionary, forbes, oxford dictionary blog, paulogata.com mirror.co.uk

Meet Rob Popejoy, the college chaplain at the City of Bath College. Hipsters are officially holier than thou (oh and he rides a skateboard to work) and my guess is that his tipple is white whisky.

Now for some other hipster food/lifestyle trends:
Repeat after me...
  1. Kelp is the new kale
  2. Adios quinoa, hello teff (an Ethiopian grain)
  3. Forget fries, go the poutine, a Canadian treat that matches fries with gravy and cheese curds
  4. Icecream sandwiches are the new cupcake
  5. See you stevia, hello coconut sugar
  6. Say no to cronuts, yes to wonuts (waffle-donut hybrids)
  7. Goodbye artisan gins, hello white whisky
  8. Don't give me normal ice, I want fancy, artisan ice
  9. Not sure if boneless watermelon will take off, but it's on the honor roll for Dumb Tweets of 2015 (see below).
IMAGE: THE TELEGRAPH

Report: Growing Number Of Americans Forced To Make Ends Meet By Collaborating On Song With Pitbull

From the always fantastic THE ONION: In one of the most insightful economic reports, The Onion finds a critical indicator of economic stability.
MIAMI—In a further sign that the sluggish economic recovery continues to pose a challenge to the nation’s workforce, a report published Wednesday by the U.S. Department of Labor revealed that a growing number of Americans have had to resort to collaborating on songs with Cuban-American rapper Pitbull in order to make ends meet.
When surveyed, most Americans confirmed they had few economic options, and stated that rapping alongside Pitbull was simply something they had to do to scrape by. However, many pointed to the unfulfilling and arduous nature of their efforts, with only a small minority of the respondents saying they receive health insurance or producer credits for their exhausting work with the Latin-American hip-hop artist.
“Between my job at a home improvement store, painting houses on the weekends, and shouting ‘Miami Beach’ through an Auto-Tune filter until I’m hoarse, I’m barely keeping my head above water,” said 42-year-old Michael Erickson of Scottsdale, AZ, who noted that he’s grateful to even have the opportunity to pick up a handful of hours with Pitbull every week given the amount of musical collaboration work that lately has gone to overseas workers or Pharrell. “Clocking out of my regular job at 5 and then flying off to Las Vegas to serve as Pitbull’s hype man at the Billboard Music Awards isn’t easy, but it’s just a sacrifice I have to make if I have any chance of paying off my mortgage.”
“It’s hard—I come home late every night soaked in champagne and I’m just too exhausted to spend time with my kids,” he continued. “But the fact is that I’m doing this so that someday they won’t have to.”
 
 

The absolute best-est in the business comedian Amy Schumer is having her 15 minutes of fame

Amy is officially the queen of comedy with laugh-til-you-cry sketches including Football Town Nights, 80s Ladies, Last F*able Day (with Julia Louis Dreyfuss and Patricia Arquette) and the old classic Lunch at O'Nutters.

 

Are you paying attention?

For your next board meeting, date or complaint session from that first world complainer, why not try this fake awake sleeping tapes. Simply place the tape over your eyelids, support your head with your hand and elbow, and catch up on some sleep.
 
 
 
 

see

Had a braingasm seeing Dior & I, for an albeit glossy look at creative collaboration under pressure. Loved, loved, loved Raf Simon's studio director and right hand man Pieter Mulier in particular.
For me, High Maintenance - available through vimeo- is the standout. I was a bit late with Transparent starring Jeffrey Tambor and Gaby Hoffman – Tambor goes through a Bruce Jenner transformation. Also the Mick Jagger produced Get On Up about the life of James Brown was a damn fine bio pic too.

smell

Smoky, herbaceous Patchouli eau de cologne by Santa Maria Novella. Am copying a friend's trick of wearing two SMN colognes at once - a wood and citrus; or a floral and green (one of the front, one on the back). Frederic Malle's carnal flower also rates.

hear

Client Liaison's dancefest shows; Neneh Cherry's performance at Hamer Hall - what a goddess; Obama's 'Amazing Grace' rendition; and anything by the peerless Esther Perel.
 
 

listen

The love affair with Spotify and Soundcloud continues. Try  Flight Facilities' decade mixes on Soundcloud; Beck's new track 'Dreams', and there is always 'Outstanding' from the Gap Band. Other loves include Fleet Foxes 'Mykonos'; the brilliant 'Paradise' by Total Giovanni; KB's 'Song of Solomon'; continuing to love TY and PJH's 'Mess We're In'; Hermitude, Haim and 'Chateau Lobby #4' from Father John Misty. All time favorite continues to be Ravi Shankar and his ragas - my go-to work music. Anoushka Shankar remains my girl crush.
"Music gives a soul, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything." Plato

all five senses

The joy of every minute of a four-day Insight retreat (above). Darjeeling here I come.
A night session at Peninsula Hot Springs. Start work early, clock off at 2pm, cruise down the M1 and soak it up.
Ekhart Yoga's 108 Sun Salutations month-long challenge. Oh yeah.
 
 

taste

Continued addiction to the #italianality at Bar di Stasio for shooting the breeze and playing nocturnal anthropologist. Grazie to the hosts with the most and the best team in town. Margarita, extra ice, green salad and grilled flounder thanks.
Weird ritualistic  breakfast pretty much every day at happy place Hannah @hannahstkilda. Thanks to JB and his top notch, interesting crew - thank you for having me (and many clients), serving Earl Grey as we work away. Thanks to Bodhi Monk  and the Cosby jumper crew too.

read

Eva Slonim's brilliant memoir Gazing at the Stars; possibly the best op-ed ever by David Brooks in the New York Times called the Moral Bucket List; Watch out for my supercoach Shannah Kennedy's new tome The Life Plan, out this month.

hear

The stories of recovery through my work with Hagar. Above, working on Hagar case studies in Phnom Penh with soul sister Sreyna Sam.

feel

Bare feet on my $65 Welcome Mat, a fundraiser by The Welcome Committee to support the ethical treatment of refugees and asylum seekers.
 
 

Yes to more lip sync battles

Will Ferrell's take on 'Drunk in Love'. Standing ovation.
 
 
 

Nobel Prize-winning but clueless!

"Let me tell you about my trouble with girls..."

I like to include at least one special story about gender in my bi-annual car crash newsletter. This one has stuck with me this year by Nobel Prize-winning scientist Tim Hunt.
“Let me tell you about my trouble with girls,” Mr. Hunt told an audience on Monday at the World Conference of Science Journalists in South Korea. “Three things happen when they are in the lab: You fall in love with them, they fall in love with you, and when you criticize them they cry.” [Report from the New York Times.] Robert McNees, a theoretical physicist in Chicago, was more blunt in his Twitter post: “The 2015 Nobel Prize in being a clueless, sexist jerk goes to Tim Hunt.
 
#1 More whispering for individuals (from captains of industry to job seekers), senior leadership teams and all manner of wonderful people who need some whispering, some time to reflect on their careers and a good cup of tea.
#2 Launch of WIPcollective – a new collaboration that offers stakeholder communications, digital content,/strategy client publishing, creative direction and web development. WIPcollective supports boards, C-suite, marketing and communications teams going through change with stakeholder relations strategy, digital and print content with an emphasis on powerful visuals, fast turnaround and genuinely helping clients to realise business strategy. Email me here if you would like our intro document out next month.
#3 Website builds in healthcare, professional services, retail, non-profits
#4 More two-week web/brand transformation packages for start-ups – go from dire website/brand to fab new website home/rebrand. Think of it as The Block for your business.
#5 More c-suite/operations teams workshops
#6 Media training/video content for all sectors
#7 Linkedin content feeds
#8 Mentoring/coaching/sounding board services (with tea)
#9 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time in New York in the fall with Ed and Rose (plus meetings and a business course - who could ask for more?)
#10 A Mindfulness retreat in Darjeeling orchestrated by the brilliant adventurer , walker, yogi and Socrates fan Marieke Brugman. (There are a few spots left so what are you waiting for?)
#11 Planning to make it back to Hanoi and Phnom Penh for further pro bono support to the board, country directors and staff of the extraordinary Hagar Australia and Hagar International.
#12 Hagar's Lunch to Liberate at the Prince on Thursday, September 3. Let me know if you want to hang on my table here.
 
 
 

Third World Problems

I wrote and directed a 'thank you video' in collaboration with The Wall Partnership (hi Wani) and Hagar Australia that we shot in Phnom Penh in April. Have a peek and consider making an EOFY donation today. A generous donor is matching all donations made by midnight tonight, June 30, 2015. Donate here.
Here are a few shots of the projects I worked on in Phnom Penh and Hanoi this quarter. It was a privilege to deliver workshops, public speaking training, inter-country board meeting facilitation, case study development, strategic comms/fundraising advice and Linkedin profiles for such amazing people doing the work they do. Can't wait to get back there.
Figure Drawings, 1988/2008, Sarah Charlesworth (RIP)
It's time to sign off from the 2014-15. A year of wonder that is for sure. Thank you again to my fabulistic clients, collaborators and confidants. You know who you are. No wonder I love my job.
I will leave the last words to Carl Jung.

"The difference between a good life and a bad life is how well you walk through the fire."

image: The late Sarah Charlesworth installing Figures Drawing 1998/2008. (RIP)
 
 
IMAGE: Buddha of Immeasurable Light, Sarah Charlesworth
 
 

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